FINDLAY, OH—Clapping his hands with giddy excitement for the first big snow storm of the season, local man James Francis, who has no idea he will spend the holiday trapped in an overturned car, told reporters he is excited to have a white Christmas. “There’s absolutely nothing more magical than waking up, looking out the window, and seeing a fresh coat of snow on the ground,” said an excited Francis, who, after bundling up in his favorite winter sweater, will get in his car, hit an icy patch on the freeway, and spend a day meant to be shared with friends and family upside down, in a ditch, waiting for rescue crews to cut him out with the jaws of life. “Oh boy. It’s going to be a winter wonderland! [Assuming I’m still alive and the paramedics can break my windshield and pull my limp, bloodied body out of my mangled car,] I’m going to spend the day watching the snowflakes fall, drinking hot cocoa, and sitting in front of the fireplace. Seriously, is there anything more Christmasy than [driving through whiteout conditions, spinning out on the side of the road, and dying?]. I think not!” At press time, the man who will collide head-on with another car, kill four other people, and then slowly freeze to death told reporters he couldn’t imagine ever wanting to spend Christmas somewhere warm.
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