MITCHELL, SD—After assuring his dinner companions at Blarney’s Sports Bar and Grill that he was more than capable of handling a little spice, area man Jared Perkins was overheard saying “It’s not too bad” as the hot sauce he was eating began to disintegrate his lower jaw. According to sources, the 29-year-old choked out the words “I’ve definitely had spicier” as the corrosive, 500,000-Scoville-unit condiment in which his chicken wing had been doused ate away at his lips, gums, and tongue. Though the smell of burning flesh filled the air the moment his fingertips touched the sauce, and the tears streaming from his eyes evaporated with a sizzle upon the heat of his cheeks, Perkins is said to have declined multiple offers of water. Witnesses confirmed he did this by shaking his head, his ability to speak having been compromised once the wing dressing had dissolved enough muscle tissue to leave his jawbone dangling from a single, thinning tendon. Shortly before suffering multiple organ failure, Perkins reportedly wrote on a napkin that if the restaurant didn’t have anything hotter, he would simply have to pour more sauce onto his next bite to compensate for “this weak shit” he had been served.
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