SKOKIE, IL—Visibly sweating under the scorching summer sun, local woman Chloe Baumgartner reportedly announced “It’s perfect outside” Friday while slowly losing consciousness in the middle of a heatstroke. “What a lovely day,” said Baumgartner, who slurred her words as she admired the unseasonably warm June weather, gasping for air in a total state of delirium. “Who could stay inside on a day like this?” the 32-year-old noted, stumbling forward and trying to maintain balance as her vital organs began to shut down one by one. “It just feels so good,” Baumgarnter added, her body collapsing onto the hot pavement. At press time, Baumgartner had succumbed to the elements after cheerfully remarking that there wasn’t a sun in the sky.
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