WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—Praising the simplicity of design and luxurious comfort, J.D. Power and Associates released their 2019 rankings Tuesday, naming four muscular young men carrying you everywhere as their new top vehicle in its class. “Thanks to its dependability, simple but effective driver assists, and above all its absolutely dazzling form factor, we enthusiastically recommend ownership of a shirtless-hunk quartet to lift you on their broad, tanned shoulders and swiftly convey you anywhere you wish,” said spokesman and reviewer Peter Lang, noting that the strapping lads’ high-build quality combined with their almost instant responsiveness to your beck and call put them substantially above transportation alternatives, such as having a burly firefighter throw you over his shoulder. “We were also extremely impressed by the intuitive voice-activated command system. Just climb onto the shoulders of the big blonde one, call out your desired destination, and prepare for a truly unmatched travel experience. Just keep them properly oiled and motivated and you’ll enjoy years of trouble-free commuting.” The research firm noted, however, some concerns regarding safety, noting that the four muscular men underperformed drastically in the industry-standard 35-mile-per-hour frontal-impact crash tests.

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