SAN FRANCISCO—Responding to continued outcry over their handling of the president’s often false and aggressive tweets, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey reportedly assured users Wednesday that the company was having the most idiotic possible internal conversations about Donald Trump’s account. “I understand many of our users are concerned, and I want to be transparent that at Twitter HQ, we’re working around the clock to address this in the least helpful, most inept way possible,” said Dorsey, adding that in cases involving Trump’s Twitter account, questions of free speech, and the spread of misinformation on the platform, the company’s chief concerns all centered around unimaginably puerile bullshit that ignored any real retrospection on any of the platform’s actual issues. “Believe me when I say that our top dimwits are engaged in absolutely fucking moronic discussions about what Trump tweets. Our emails and Slack channels are full of cringingly short-sighted and searingly stupid ideas, because at Twitter we address concerns as thoughtlessly and with as little intelligence as we can. We want our users to understand that no matter what side of this or any issue you fall on, we promise to find a resolution that doesn’t solve anything, exacerbates the problem, and makes everyone mad.” At press time, Dorsey responded to outcry by assuring Twitter users that all of their most idiotic and bafflingly uninformed suggestions were being heard.
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