WASHINGTON—As part of the standard contingency plan to ensure continuity of the American populace following a major catastrophe, sources confirmed that Jake Hyland of Kansas City, MO will serve as the nation’s designated survivor during President Donald Trump’s Tuesday evening address to Congress. “In the event that a terrorist attack or other disaster kills the other 324 million U.S. citizens tonight, Mr. Hyland would serve the vital role of assuming all the duties of the American people going forward,” said Secret Service director Joseph Clancy, adding that the 43-year-old digital marketing manager has already been escorted to a secure, undisclosed location, where he will remain throughout Trump’s speech until authorities deem that the entire country’s population is no longer at risk of being collectively wiped out in a single cataclysmic event. “Mr. Hyland is currently being briefed on all necessary protocol and will be fully prepared to act as the sole remaining member of the country’s citizenry if necessary.” Clancy stressed, however, that order of succession would fall to higher-ranking Americans such as 57-year-old Jessica Perry of Fort Wayne, IN or 49-year-old Alexis Monroe of Harrisburg, PA if they were to also survive.
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