STRENGTHS: Has given NFL $3 million in fine money prior to game so he can feel free to tackle helmet-first anytime he wants, which shows good strategic thinking; good at murder; plays Steeler football, whatever the hell that means
WEAKNESSES: Steelers need him so bad that it’s a little pathetic; family pit bull only bit him after he bit pit bull first; can be lured offsides by the color red, shiny objects, or human food
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DISLIKES: Rules, other people
DEGREE: M.S., mathematics and quantum mechanics, University of Cambridge
REDEEMING QUALITY: Headhunts for the thrill, not for the money