Jan. 6 Rioters Explain Why They Stormed The Capitol

“Not sure. I didn’t join the Proud Boys to think for myself.”

“Video games and/or popular music and films made me do it.”

“Those gallows weren’t going to build themselves.”

“I lent Marco Rubio 45 bucks, and he’s been dodging me ever since.”

“I forgot to vote, so I figured this was the least I could do.”

“I’m incredibly susceptible to peer pressure.”

“I wanted to kill some lawmakers, and that’s where they all were.”

“There are hardly any public restrooms in our great nation’s capital, so you tell me where we were supposed to go for relief!”

“What’s the point of having a bunch of cool guns and tactical gear if you never get to use it to overthrow the government?”

“I honestly thought it was the capitol building of a different country.”

“I wanted to impress girls on Bumble by taking sexy photos of myself interfering with democracy.”

“It’s important to take yourself on little dates every now and then.”

“For me, it was a classic case of body-swapping with my conservative neighbor who I could never relate to until I spent a day in his shoes. Unfortunately, that day was Jan. 6, and I woke up in his body as he was scaling down the wall of the Senate Chamber.”

“Gotta storm something.”

“All of the greatest heroes in American history violently interfered with democracy at some point.”

“I needed more experience in domestic terrorism before the local hate group would even look at my résumé.”

“Would you prefer my answer be ironic, or infuriatingly wrong?”

“What matters now is that under the terms of my plea agreement, I am deeply filled with remorse.”