WASHINGTON—Unveiling sweeping policy positions that would transform the nation’s electric grid and combat emissions, Democratic presidential candidate Jay Inslee smashed through the wall of a town hall Wednesday in a solar-powered mech suit to announce his climate change plan. “Starting today, I am dedicating myself to a comprehensive three-part plan designed to head off a climate catastrophe using renewable energy sources, which, as you can see, provide more than enough power for daily needs,” said Governor Inslee from the cockpit of his bipedal, carbon-neutral exoskeleton, touting the potential of clean energy to screaming, debris-covered audience members while extending one of his solar panel-covered hydraulic arms to lift the town hall’s moderator above his head and crush his skull into dust. “We will invest in every power source from wind to biofuels. Even nuclear power will be necessary for some purposes, as you’ll see from the fusion-powered lasers issuing from this suit. But know this: We will not let the next generation down!” At press time, Inslee was spotted blasting a Baltimore coal plant with his hydrogen-based shoulder cannon while discussing the need to transition America to a clean fuel economy.
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