Illustration for article titled Jeff Bezos Depressed After Realizing Net Worth Still Just Number Known To Man

SEATTLE—Feeling disheartened by the fact that the sum of his wealth could still be quantified in a comprehensible manner, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly became depressed Tuesday after realizing that his net worth was still just a number known to man. “Man, it really bums me out knowing that the amount of money I have is still within the realm of known mathematics,” said Bezos, adding that by this point in his career, he assumed the scale of his total earnings would no longer be fathomable by the minds of mere mortals. “People should be driven to madness when they lay their eyes upon my net worth, yet every pea-brained idiot out there has some sort of conception of how much $153 billion is. Seriously, the fact that my net worth isn’t just expressed by a Greek symbol makes it feel like I haven’t made any money at all.” At press time, Bezos lowered the wages of his warehouse workers even further in the hopes it would boost his earnings up to a level that’s outside the confines of conventional numbers.


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