For decades, the richest, most powerful men all seemed to have one thing in common—a relationship with notorious sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein. The Onion conducted interviews with several of his associates, and this is what they said.
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“This very much depends on the legal definitions of ‘teenager’ and ‘hand job.’”
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“I’m quite satisfied with the modest harem I’ve got in Omaha.”
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“You honestly believe I’d need to go through that weirdo if I wanted to have sex with a kid?”
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“I was wearing a satin blindfold the whole time, so who’s to say what party I was at?”
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“It sure would be a shame if you printed something about me and Epstein and then tragically and unexpectedly committed suicide.”
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“I was only flown out under the false premise he had proof phrenology was real.”
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“My guy for underage sex stuff is way more discreet.”
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“The record will show I was on a different private island at the time.”
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“You think they would have let me live if I actually knew anything?”
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“I was too busy helping with my wife’s extremely successful presidential campaigns to get involved with him.”
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“I’ve had zero contact with him whatsoever. He was my biological father, that’s it.”
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“The reality is these elite circles just aren’t that big and eventually you’re going to brush shoulders with some unsavory characters if you’re both into having sex with young girls.”
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“Why would I be friends with someone whose mansion bedrooms have such scratchy sheets?”
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“Look, if a billionaire like me can’t use his power to illicitly explore aspects of taboo sexuality, then get in way over his head and panic, lose an incredible amount of money and respect in a divorce, and largely retreat from public life, who can?”
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“There was one sex party we coincidentally attended together, and all participants were adults.”
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“I didn’t even know the guy. I just thought I was taking a budget airline to a sex slave island.”
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“Why are we still talking about this man years after we had him secretly killed?”
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