NEW YORK—In an attempt to strike a deal that would allow him to stay out of jail while he awaits trial, alleged sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein offered the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Manhattan a prospective bail package Friday that included a child pornography collection valued at $32 million. “In exchange for permission to stay at his residence on the Upper East Side, my client is presenting as collateral a truly incredible catalogue containing some of the finest child porn available anywhere on the market today,” said the convicted sex offender’s lead attorney, Reid Weingarten, adding that the one-of-a-kind collection of images and videos of underage children being sexually exploited was expertly curated and contained a great deal of rare, highly sought-after content. “We trust this will prove more than sufficient to secure his release on bail, considering any sophisticated collector of pedophilic items would jump at the chance to bid on Mr. Epstein’s materials at auction. Seriously, this is the high-end stuff—many of the subjects depicted are as young as 12, and they’ve been shot by some of the world’s most celebrated child pornographers, including the recently indicted R. Kelly.” At press time, sources confirmed Epstein had changed his mind and rescinded the offer after a period of soul-searching during which he realized he valued the illicit images far more than his personal freedom.
More from The Onion