THE HEAVENS—Urging Christians nationwide to “Buy! Buy! Buy!” on Thursday, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, announced that He will come again to judge the living and the dead once the Dow clears 27,000. “Listen, my children, and I will tell you—when the NYSE closing bell rings out and the Dow Jones Industrial Average soars above 27,000 points, I will return to strike down the wicked and reign over the righteous forevermore,” said Our Lord and Savior, adding that only increased consumer confidence and low interest rates could hasten His glorious Second Coming. “Rejoice, stockholders, for the kingdom of God is at hand, assuming this upward trend continues. Repent and believe in the gospel of the bull market.” At press time, the Prince of Peace and Everlasting Counselor was scrambling to sell after the Dow had plunged 500 points.