PARIS—Responding just minutes after the 12th-century Catholic monument caught fire, Jesus Christ, The King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was reportedly pushing past Parisian firefighters Monday to run into a burning Notre Dame de Paris and save a beloved relic. “My crown! My crown! Get out of my way—my Crown of Thorns is in there! Move! Move! Move!” said Christ, who dipped His Holy Robes in a baptismal font, covered His nose and mouth with the wet fabric, and sprinted towards His treasured artifact. “All I see are these fucking Last Judgment sculptures and a bunch of bullshit stones from the Church of the Holy Sepulchre! No! Where is my crown of thorns? Where’s my fucking crown of thorns?” At press time, our Lord and Savior was seen on the roof of the burning cathedral, cradling the cherished relic in his arms.

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