CINCINNATI—Reluctantly admitting there was no way to neatly fit the entire string of profanities onto the vehicle now, jilted lover Marcia Yarbury told reporters Thursday that she should have started further over while keying her cheating boyfriend’s car. “Seriously, why didn’t I start closer to the front of the car—I wanted to write ‘fuck you, cheating bastard,’ but now I barely have room and the last couple words are all scrunched up and look like shit,” said Yarbury, who then stepped back, tilted her head, and screamed after noticing that “bastard” was slanting downwards and barely legible. “Ugh, it looks like a child scratched those swear words into the paint. I should have done the smart thing and just used a pencil to sketch what I wanted to carve in the first place. You know what—maybe if I just turn some of these letters into a giant dick and balls, Sharpie in his phone number, and smash some windows, this might not end up looking so bad.” At press time, sources told reporters that Yarbury had eventually become so frustrated that she’d opted to scrap the project entirely and just set the car on fire.
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