DENVER—Presumably thanking his supporters and vowing to keep up his fight for the well-being of everyday Americans, former Colorado governor John Hickenlooper has dropped out of the 2020 presidential race, one naturally assumes. Highly placed sources have confirmed that it is only natural to imagine that Hickenlooper, who launched his campaign for the Democratic nomination back in what most are pretty sure was March, has probably dropped out, as he did not stand a reasonable chance of winning in the first place. While no further inquiry into the status of Hickenlooper’s campaign is forthcoming or realistically necessary, one may safely assume that this headline, if not true now, cannot ultimately be false, and will in fact be accurate in every major particular within the next week. Therefore, the Onion Editorial Board has concluded that it is only logical to pursue more pressing journalistic endeavors and acknowledge the inevitable demise of this quixotic campaign. This newspaper will dutifully update this article to reflect the day of the week and city in which Hickenlooper will ultimately stand before the cameras, surrounded by his wanly smiling family, and pledge his meager support to whoever the eventual Democratic Party nominee might be. As we shall not be following up on Hickenlooper’s further and presumptively fruitless activities, we urge citizens to pursue any other avenue of information they deem necessary, which from a practical perspective is, of course, none. An informed populace is crucial to democracy, so feel free to investigate yourself, but do not attempt to contact this newspaper or its employees, as we do not care.
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