WASHINGTON—Finishing off the judicial pragmatist with his signature Flying Hammer Of Precedent, John Roberts reportedly dove from atop the Supreme Court bench Tuesday and delivered a final knockout blow to Stephen Breyer to retain the title of Chief Justice. “It’s all over! John Roberts is the undisputed head of the judicial branch!” said Supreme Court law clerk Jonathan Urick, adding that Roberts had maneuvered the dazed Breyer into position after hitting him with a flurry of dissenting chops, an Atomic Gavel Drop, and the punishing Procedural Powerslam. “What a battle! They were neck and neck right until the very end. Both men were bloodied and stumbling around the courtroom. But in the end, Breyer was worn down by the Habeas Corpus Choke.” Sources confirmed the brawl was the most entertaining Supreme Court matchup since Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg popped out from behind a marble column and smashed Scalia with a steel folding chair.

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