FAIRFAX, VA—As his contentious defamation trial stretched into its sixth week, leading man Johnny Depp reportedly lost all support from those following the proceedings after fans realized Wednesday that they had been confusing him for actor Orlando Bloom. “Oh gross, it’s fucking Willy Wonka? That’s who we’ve been supporting this whole time?” said social media user John Nguyen, who told reporters he immediately deleted several pro-Depp memes from his profile upon learning that the 58-year-old actor had not appeared in the Lord Of The Rings trilogy at all, let alone in the role of Sindar Elf Legolas. “So he was the other guy in the Pirates movies? But that still doesn’t explain why we thought they were the same guy. Johnny Depp’s, like, 15 years older and much less cute. Okay, back to Lord Of The Rings—did he play an older version of Orlando Bloom’s character in one of those or something? No? Then why were we wasting our lives defending this loser? I’m honestly embarrassed.” At press time, fans reportedly grew even more perplexed after discovering that Johnny Depp’s ex-wife was not, in fact, Keira Knightley.
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