NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—After a state court found the company liable for $572 million in damages for its role in Oklahoma’s opioid crisis, consumer healthcare giant Johnson & Johnson announced Tuesday it would push uppers for the next decade or two in an effort to even everyone out. “We went way too hard on the downers, leaving Americans with highs that made them feel super sleepy and out of it, but now we intend to make things right,” said CEO Alex Gorsky, who pledged his company would aggressively market a new and very powerful line of mephedrone-derived synthetic stimulants to counteract the heavy sedation of opioids. “Don’t worry, this new stuff is gonna set you straight. Doing that much oxy and fentanyl may have been a huge bummer, but if we rush these uppers out the door as fast as we did the painkillers, you’ll be perking up in no time.” Gorsky also assured Johnson & Johnson’s business partners the stimulants it plans to produce will be every bit as addictive as opioids and accompanied by an equally widespread misinformation campaign.

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