- If multiple reporters contribute to a story, the byline is awarded to whoever last wined and dined the editor.
- Be sure to include qualifiers like “allegedly” and “unconfirmed” when the contents of your article aren’t strictly true but you’re really raring to print it anyway.
- Avoid unnecessarily colorful language, for gloom and woe be unto any bard who bestows the facile narrative with a spirit it did not encompass.
- Use profanity only when it’s a crucial part of a direct quotation. Do not rely on filler fucks to pad your word count.
- Convey to your reader that the article is over by always ending with the signoff, “Love, The Newspaper.”