• If multiple reporters contribute to a story, the byline is awarded to whoever last wined and dined the editor.
  • Be sure to include qualifiers like “allegedly” and “unconfirmed” when the contents of your article aren’t strictly true but you’re really raring to print it anyway.
  • Avoid unnecessarily colorful language, for gloom and woe be unto any bard who bestows the facile narrative with a spirit it did not encompass.
  • Use profanity only when it’s a crucial part of a direct quotation. Do not rely on filler fucks to pad your word count.
  • Convey to your reader that the article is over by always ending with the signoff, “Love, The Newspaper.”

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