Item! Why is it that the best-looking couples never stay together? Megastar Julia Roberts and ethnically ambiguous actor Benjamin Bratt have pulled the plug on their three-year relationship. All accounts indicate that it's an amicable parting, but I'm sure if you scratch the surface, you'll find something unseemly. But should we scratch? I mean, on the one hand, it's my job to report the juicy Hollywood facts that matter to my loyal readers. On the other, here are two lovely people who have never done anyone any harm and are going through a difficult time. After agonizing over this for hours, I've decided that the right thing to do is let them have their privacy. When it's time for them to open up, I'm sure they will.
For the record, I don't know why Julia even bothers to use her last name anymore. She's a Cher, a Madonna, a Roseanne, the kind of star who doesn't need a last name like us regular folks. To me and everyone else, she's just Julia.
And from the ashes of one beautiful relationship rises another to take its place. Funnyman—and tallman—Conan O'Brien is getting married! No word on who the lucky lady is or where the wedding is to be held, but I have it on good authority that the invite list is a veritable who's-who of late-night talk-show hosts, past and present. Dave, Jay, Arsenio, Magic, Chevy, Pat, Martin, Wil, Alan… they'll all be there, because Conan knows and respects his roots. Plus, it will be a full Irish wedding, complete with bagpipes and kilts! Conan in a kilt? It's true, readers! Now, ladies, I know that some of you had your hearts set on Conan, but remember, there are still plenty of smart, funny, handsome guys available. (Hint, hint, hint!)
Is it just me, or does Katie Couric's new hairdo look totally beautiful? Actually, I know it's not me because everyone here in the office agrees with me, so I should rephrase that: Katie Couric's new hairdo looks totally beautiful!
Item! Get your cold showers ready: The 2001 MTV Music Video Awards show is just a week away, and we can expect to see even more of Britney Spears this time around! If you'll recall, at last year's show, Britney gave new meaning to the phrase "ripping your clothes off." Word is, this year, she plans to lose her virginity live on-stage to her Backstreet Boyfriend, J.C. Timberlake! I just hope they don't block out all the good parts with those annoying blurry pixels you see all over TV these days.
So, what's all the fuss about Michael Jordan coming back to the NBA? There's all this "will he or won't he" nonsense, and I for one say, "Air ball!" This is the sort of hype that should be reserved for the likes of Prince William or Hollywood royalty like Brad Pitt and Courteney Cox. Hey, Michael, you've had your day in the sun. Quit hogging the real stars' spotlight and go back to baseball or golf.
Item! The new Star Wars movie is called… you ready for this? Attack Of The Clowns! Now I know George Lucas has gone a little batty.
"Is That Your Final Contraction?" America's favorite Regis Philbin co-host, Kelly Ripa, just had a baby, and it's the cutest thing! The best part is, she had it entirely on her own, without the help of some fancy-pants doctor, fertility clinic, or David Crosby. That's what I like to see—good old-fashioned baby-making. Awww.
Even though Tom Cruise is scandalously dating his sister Penelope, Nicole Kidman has been holding up quite nicely after her divorce from Mr. Top Gun. I say she's not just one classy lady, she's two!
Item! What's with the super-talented songstresses going a bit nutsy lately? First, Mariah Carey takes off some of her clothes on MTV and gets hospitalized because of exhaustion. Then, Whitney Houston goes off and takes a bunch of drugs with her no-goodnik husband Bobby Brown. This breaks my heart to see such inspirational performers hurting so much.
I can really relate to these divas' pain. I've gone through some similarly trying times in my life. Once, after I broke up with a girlfriend, I had a terrible time sleeping. After three nights of watching some of my favorite romantic movies, I took a cue from John Cusack in Say Anything and played a song on a boom box under her window. Only, she lived in a fourth-floor apartment, so everyone in the building heard, and I couldn't find that Phil Collins song from the movie on short notice at 2:30 a.m., so I had to make do with Billy Joel's "Piano Man." It just goes to show you that you shouldn't judge stars just because they're going through some hard times, because it could be you or me. But you probably shouldn't take cocaine, even if you are Whitney Houston, okay?
Jennifer Jason Leigh: She's always got something going on, doesn't she?
I tried that new Red Bull drink expecting to get wings, and I was a bit disappointed. After I drank it, I started to feel a little funny. Sort of a shortness of breath and some chest constriction. The last time I felt like that was when I had an allergic reaction to the caffeine in a cup of espresso. And I'll be darned if it didn't happen again! I suppose a trip to the ER is what you get for not reading the ingredients first.
Jiminy Christmas! That Jiminy Glick sure has the recipe for hilarity down! I would love to be a fly on the wall at one of their writers' meetings! I'd love to see where they get their ideas from.
Planet Of The Apes? It should be called Planet Of The Smash Box-Office Hit! The new Richard Burton film, starring Mark Wahlberg and newcomer Helena Bonham Carter (any relation to Led Zeppelin bassist John Bonham Carter? I'm looking into it!) has been making a monkey of the competition at the box office. Being the sort of journalist I am, I went to see it, and it delivered on the action thrills and surprise ending. And the apes? I went "ape" for them! (I went "bananas," too!) This one should have just come out of the studio stamped "Oscar." Kudos to all involved!
Well, I'm out of news, unless you want to hear the boring details about my new braces or the gift I got for Tierra and Joe's wedding. So, in the meantime, here's a preview of some things you can look forward to in my next column: the DVD release date for Pootie Tang, some Madonna tour news, and my beef with Hints From Heloise. Until then, I encourage you to watch TV, go to the movies, and buy some CDs. This is Jackie Harvey, saying, "I'll see you on the Outside!"
Jackie Harvey graduated from Viterbo University with a degree in English literature in 1990. After honing his writing and copy-editing skills at The Sunshine Shopper, he became The Onion’s entertainment columnist in 1994, replacing the outgoing Archie “Arch” Danielson. Currently, Harvey writes his regular column, "The Outside Scoop," as well as his blog, "Harveywood!"