WASHINGTON—Insisting that there was an appreciable difference over the past 24 hours, Vice President Kamala Harris confirmed Tuesday that the crack in the office ceiling seems slightly longer today. “It could be a shadow, but it really does seem bigger than yesterday,” Harris reportedly said to herself, reclining fully in her office chair staring at the crack in the ceiling as she had been for nearly an hour. “I don’t remember it starting so close to the wall. Should I tell someone and get maintenance in here? Although I hate to bother them, you just start to notice these things when you’re just sort of sitting around in here for so long. I’d meant to keep checking that crack every day since I noticed it last fall, but I got super busy for a couple weeks there when that spider formed a cobweb in the corner and I was waiting for it to drop down far enough that I could swat it. I should really be more diligent. Oh darn, I think my leg’s asleep.” At press time, Harris had reportedly cleared away several knicknacks from her desk and was standing on it to mark the crack’s progress across the ceiling with a pencil.
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