TOPEKA, KS—In an evidently unprovoked statement, Kansas National Guard Brigadier General Anthony V. Mohatt announced Thursday that the Kansas National Guard was ready to defend against attacks on Kansas at any time. “From the rolling hills of the east to the sweeping plains of the west, the Kansas National Guard is in a sufficient state of readiness to mount a swift response and retaliate with overwhelming force against any threat that dares oppose the Sunflower State,” said General Mohatt, who went on to elaborate in great detail how, even as he spoke, Kansas National Guard troops had deployed across the state, with steady-handed demolitions units setting traps on major infrastructure; eager pilots idling their fighters and bombers on the ready lines of major air bases; and valiant infantrymen keeping vigil at the border by peering into Colorado, Oklahoma, Missouri, and Nebraska with tactical night-vision binoculars. “With the might and honor, we will defend the land of Kansas. Only the National Guard can claim to know the treacherous terrain like the backs of their hands. And if any tyrant entertains the notion of taking a guardsman alive, know that my orders state that every soldier must fight to his last breath, taking his own life if necessary.” At press time, General Mohatt had mobilized two armored divisions “in response to threatening Sooner Troop movements” on the Kansas border with Oklahoma.