Though the NFL claims they closely monitor brain-damaged retirees to keep them away from the general public, here are some things to remember if you see a former football player.
- If you're in immediate danger, get on the ground and play injured. The former player will likely stand over you and do a demeaning dance, but will walk away after that.
- Confuse the player with a hard snap count.
- Drop anything you're holding and the player will likely fall on it.
- If a player falls to the ground in an epileptic fit, don't waste time trying to comfort him. Former players have seizures all the time, they can't even feel them anymore.
- You may be able to avoid confrontation by standing perfectly still, as linebackers vision is based around detecting movement.
- Due to their fragile brains, shining a flashlight in the players' eyes three times rapidly followed by two long flashes will instantly kill the player.
- Call your local NFL team: if the player is violent enough, there may still be a spot for him on the practice squad.
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