NOVOSINKOVO, RUSSIA—Staring directly into the drooping eyes of the woozy, flushed henchman sitting across from him in the back room of a dimly lit tavern, Secretary of State John Kerry reportedly downed another vodka shot Sunday night as the last of Russian president Vladimir Putin’s security detail passed out beside him. “Nostrovia!” said Kerry as he slammed down the upturned shot glass next to dozens of others atop the warped wooden table before watching his 300-pound opponent, whose hand reportedly shook as he struggled to slowly raise his own glass of vodka to his lips, suddenly sway side to side and then slump forward in defeat. “Thanks for the nightcap, boys.” Sources confirmed that, before exiting the tavern, Secretary Kerry retrieved a few coins from the vest pocket of the unconscious man to leave as a tip for the barmaid.

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