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Ketanji Brown Jackson Weighs Making History Against Soul-Crushing Thought Of Spending Time With These People

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WASHINGTON—In the hours after learning she had been chosen as the first black woman to be nominated to the U.S. Supreme Court, Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson reportedly weighed making history against the soul-crushing thought of spending time with these people. “Of course, sitting on the highest court in the land would be a tremendously meaningful position for someone like me to hold, but then again, it just kills me inside—absolutely kills me—to think of spending any time at all with these people,” Jackson said on Friday, furrowing her brow as she considered the symbolic impact of her elevation to the Supreme Court alongside the sheer deadening idea of seeing Neil Gorsuch’s stupid fucking face every day for the better part of the next half century. “Obviously, I need to take every factor into account here. It would be an inspiration for countless young Americans to see me on the court, and I’m sure I would go down in the history books because of that. Then again, [Elena] Kagan’s chipper little grin is so goddamn annoying. And there’s a gym in the building, so I’d have to imagine we’re going to work out together? Jesus, I’m never going to be able to escape them. And I’m young, so we’re talking, like, four decades of listening to these pricks act like we’re friends? Seriously, if [Samuel] Alito wants to create one of those little buddy-buddy things where we go to the opera together and exchange letters, I’m just going to blow my brains out. Christ, what do I do here?” At press time, a visibly petrified Jackson had reportedly realized she was in too deep and there was no turning back after she had received a congratulatory phone call from Justice Brett Kavanaugh.