WASHINGTON—Explaining why he and nearly every Republican in the House of Representatives had voted against a bill that would increase student access to counseling services, Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy stated Wednesday that a lack of mental healthcare in schools was precisely what got him where he is today. “My political career is a great example of what a completely broken mental healthcare system can create, and every kid deserves that same opportunity,” said the eight-term representative, telling reporters his rise to the top GOP position in the House could be credited to a complete absence of any self-reflection, therapy, or personal growth during his adolescence. “When I was in school, there weren’t any supportive adults I could speak to about my problems, let alone anyone trained as a therapist, and that’s what allowed me to skate by without raising any red flags, eventually reaching the point at which I may very well become the next speaker of the House. Where would I be today if I had received the years of intensive psychiatric care I almost certainly needed? You can hardly expect to make it in Washington if you receive adequate treatment for your narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder.” At press time, McCarthy had introduced a bill to equip public schools with bigger cracks in the system for aspiring young sociopaths to slip through.