Key Takeaways From The Capitol Security Review

A task force convened to address security at the U.S. Capitol Building following the January 6 riot released a report on Monday. The Onion looks at the key takeaways from the Capitol security review.

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The hide-a-key rock used to hide the Capitol’s spare key was way too easy to spot.
Senators are woefully under-trained in the dark arts of krav maga.
Establishing a dedicated Quick Reaction Force for D.C. would add one more government agency to share the blame for another insurgency.
Mike Pence is still missing.
Recommendation that the Capitol tour no longer include pointing out strategic weakness in the building’s perimeter.
Fencing should be laid out horizontally and not stacked vertically for it to work.
It sure was fun to see Mitt Romney run for his life.
Response to the riot was delayed due to the Capitol Police Board not having the National Guard’s phone number memorized.
The riot was tragic, and it’s just very unfortunate that we’ll never know who or what caused it.

Politics