A task force convened to address security at the U.S. Capitol Building following the January 6 riot released a report on Monday. The Onion looks at the key takeaways from the Capitol security review.
- The hide-a-key rock used to hide the Capitol’s spare key was way too easy to spot.
- Senators are woefully under-trained in the dark arts of krav maga.
- Establishing a dedicated Quick Reaction Force for D.C. would add one more government agency to share the blame for another insurgency.
- Mike Pence is still missing.
- Recommendation that the Capitol tour no longer include pointing out strategic weakness in the building’s perimeter.
- Fencing should be laid out horizontally and not stacked vertically for it to work.
- It sure was fun to see Mitt Romney run for his life.
- Response to the riot was delayed due to the Capitol Police Board not having the National Guard’s phone number memorized.
- The riot was tragic, and it’s just very unfortunate that we’ll never know who or what caused it.