Key Takeaways From The Capitol Security Review

Illustration for article titled Key Takeaways From The Capitol Security Review

A task force convened to address security at the U.S. Capitol Building following the January 6 riot released a report on Monday. The Onion looks at the key takeaways from the Capitol security review.

  • The hide-a-key rock used to hide the Capitol’s spare key was way too easy to spot.
  • Senators are woefully under-trained in the dark arts of krav maga.
  • Establishing a dedicated Quick Reaction Force for D.C. would add one more government agency to share the blame for another insurgency.
  • Mike Pence is still missing.
  • Recommendation that the Capitol tour no longer include pointing out strategic weakness in the building’s perimeter.
  • Fencing should be laid out horizontally and not stacked vertically for it to work.
  • It sure was fun to see Mitt Romney run for his life.
  • Response to the riot was delayed due to the Capitol Police Board not having the National Guard’s phone number memorized.
  • The riot was tragic, and it’s just very unfortunate that we’ll never know who or what caused it.