SEYMOUR, IN—Calling into question the 9-year-old amateur geologist’s taste and expertise, sources confirmed Thursday that local child Jacob Hiller could afford to be more discerning about which rocks were worth collecting. “I asked him what kind of rock this one was and he said ‘shiny’—shiny isn’t a rock type, moron,” said one source, who noted that the majority of the rocks in the boy’s collection came either from his backyard or the drainage ditch along the side of the road, neither of which seemed like particularly impressive dig sites. “Oh, this one is bigger than that one? Is that your hypothesis? Does he not realize this one is literally a chunk of concrete? Even the few cool-looking rocks he does own are fakes; they’re tumbled and dyed. He might know rocks can’t naturally be that shiny and magenta if he’d bothered to read one goddamn article on geology in his entire life.” At press time, the child had reportedly added an invaluable dinosaur fossil to the collection in his shirt.