AUGUSTA, ME—Describing his astonishment after violently torturing his victim for hours on end Wednesday, a local kidnapper said he was shocked that pulling out his captive’s fingernails had not ended the man’s Stockholm syndrome. “Jeez, what do I have to do to keep this guy from smiling at me like I’m his best friend? He’s got it bad,” said hostage-taker and sociopath Steven Prill, 47, explaining that he had waterboarded his victim, attached jumper cables to his nipples, and even slaughtered his dog in front of him, but the man continued looking for ways to sympathize and bond with his captor. “I don’t know what his problem is. I haven’t given that guy so much as a bucket to piss in, let alone done anything to earn this kind of affection. He’s really starting to creep me out.” At press time, Prill was reportedly so disturbed after slicing off his hostage’s ear and hearing him say “thank you” that he released the man back to his family, stating that he never wanted to see him again.
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