Kidnapping Going Pretty Smoothly

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ST. LOUIS—While admitting he’d been nervous at first about the seriousness of the felony he was committing, local kidnapper Milt Horton reported Wednesday that his abduction and ransoming of a 7-year-old boy “could not be going any more smoothly.” “To be honest, everything’s been happening just as I planned it,” said Horton, explaining that he had muscled the second-grader into his van with no problems and that the boy had complied when instructed to “shut the fuck up” if he ever wanted to see his family again. “I’ve delivered the ransom note, the money is already on its way, and this whole thing should be over with by 7 p.m. at the latest. Piece of cake! I just wish I’d known it would all go off without a hitch so I could have made some plans for the evening.” Horton then laughed, adding that anyone who thinks kidnappings are riddled with complications has “probably been watching too many cop movies.”