KitchenAid Unveils New Lobster Sedation Kit To Reduce Cruelty Of Boiling Them Alive

Illustration for article titled KitchenAid Unveils New Lobster Sedation Kit To Reduce Cruelty Of Boiling Them Alive

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Advertised as an essential home appliance for any seafood lover, KitchenAid unveiled Monday the latest addition to its line of products, a lobster sedation kit designed to reduce the cruelty inherent in boiling to death a living, feeling creature. “KitchenAid has developed a more humane method of lobster preparation that helps manage the pain a lobster feels upon being dropped into a 16-quart pot of scalding-hot water,” said company spokesperson Carolyn Green, adding that marine biologists and chefs had confirmed the kit’s proprietary blend of powerful anesthesia and rich, hand-churned butter alleviated the pain of a lobster’s blistering hot demise by up to 65%, while also improving flavor considerably. “Rather than violently plunging a still-very-much-alive meal into 212-degree water without warning, both professional and at-home chefs can now facilitate a more peaceful transition for their dinner. Our full line of end-of-life products for your lobster includes a small embroidered pillow it can lay its head upon, a compact disc of serene ocean sounds, a small tank of nitrous oxide with a little application mask, and a soothing olive oil massage serum that promotes both relaxation and succulence. After the session, simply lower the medicated, fully marinated lobster to its bubbling death as if it were a nice, hot bath. And enjoy!” Green added that the company planned to offer customers with more sensitive lobsters, a controlled-release opioid-delivery system with a button specifically fashioned to be pressed by a claw.

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