BOSTON—In an incident that sent shock waves across the automotive industry, a knife-wielding Tesla Model S reportedly killed local pedestrian Lucy Friedman Friday after pursuing her down a city street. “Based on data retrieved from the vehicle, the Tesla’s camera appears to have accidentally locked onto the pedestrian as she approached a crosswalk before opening its machete hatch, deploying the blade, and chasing her into a darkened alley,” said Tesla spokesperson Lindsey Singh, expressing regret for the programming malfunction that caused the car to rev its engines, turn on its flood lights, and pursue the terrified 32-year-old with a chassis-mounted blade. “Of course, we never intended the car’s knife to be used for lethal purposes. It’s possible the car’s sensors mistook Ms. Friedman for a patch of tall grass or sugar cane. What’s worth pointing out, however, is that the Tesla slashed through the victim’s jugular and then beheaded her using entirely clean energy. That’s something you could never say about a Toyota Prius.” Singh added that Tesla would learn from this mistake and equip all new vehicles with a first aid kit to help save any future stabbing victims.