NORTHFIELD, IL—In an effort to reach out to a segment of the population completely ignored by the company for more than a century, Kraft Foods unveiled Monday its new line of Kraft Doubles—jointly wrapped slices of American cheese specially designed with couples in mind.
"After years of catering exclusively to depressed, lonely men in their 30s, Kraft is proud to present a product for people who are capable of experiencing love and happiness," Kraft CEO Irene Rosenfeld said at a press conference. "No longer will couples who have a mutual craving for processed American cheese have to endure the hassle of unwrapping two individual slices."
According to Rosenfeld, the Kraft Doubles will be packaged side by side in the brand's iconic twice-folded cellophane sheath. Once the rectangular orange product has been removed from its wrapper, lovers can easily separate the slices into two equal portions by carefully tearing along the perforated line in the center of the Double. At this point, it is recommended couples gingerly roll up the slices and feed them to each another.
"Kraft Doubles are the perfect snack for any romantic occasion, including picnics in the park, moonlit strolls along the beach, and sexual intercourse," Rosenfeld said. "Finally, the great taste of Kraft American cheese and the feeling of warmth that comes from tender affection with another human being can be enjoyed simultaneously."
"This Valentine's Day, give her the gift that says, 'This cheese is for us,'" Rosenfeld added, before assuring consumers that despite the new packaging, the cheese product will retain its classic cheese-like taste.
Kraft reportedly decided to launch the new product after reviewing market research which showed that only 8 percent of its regular customers reported having a spouse, a significant other, any history of dating, or a normal and healthy social life. Marketing director David Merrill believes these low numbers are due to the fact that there has historically been only one cheese slice inside each wrapper.
"Who wants to sit down to an elegant candlelit dinner with their lover, and next to the wine and the caviar see two individually wrapped squares of yellow cheese?" Merrill said. "When two people who love each other peel off the laminated-foil casing of a pasteurized cheese-food product, they want what's inside to reflect their everlasting union."
Merrill went on to note that Kraft Doubles are best when paired with a light red wine such as a pinot noir.
Kraft research also suggested that the small percentage of couples who do purchase Kraft Singles often report that the product does not satisfy their needs as both consumers and lovers. Kraft vice president Jane Hilk theorizes that, until now, every time a couple hungered for American cheese, they would attempt to split a Kraft Single down the middle, inevitably resulting in uneven cheese distribution, which in turn has led to arguments, domestic abuse, and, in some cases, divorce.
"This is the world's first adjoined-cheese-slice product that's both practical and sexy," Hilk said. "Just think how many relationships Kraft Doubles will save."
Hilk noted that Kraft Doubles are not strictly for couples, but also for single men with a big appetite and a busy schedule.
"For the successful bachelor who hasn't had time to settle down but still hopes to some day, there is an added advantage," Hilk continued. "Should a woman he fancies ever enter his home and peer into his refrigerator's dairy drawer, she will know right away that he is a man who values commitment."
If the new product is as popular as Kraft projects, the company plans to expand its line in 2009 to include the new family-sized Kraft Quadruples, as well as the Kraft Super-Single, which is one three-inch-thick slice of American cheese.