Item! It always breaks my heart to be the one to deliver news like this, but Kung Fu and Shane: The Series star and acting legend Davy Caradine died in a hotel in Bangkok. This is a tragedy for those of us who were hoping he would make a television comeback with Shane: 2021, but it's doubly tragic because it was so preventable.
First of all, if he would have listened to the cautionary message contained in the Murray Head song "One Night In Bangkok," he would have known that one night in that city can make a hard man crumble. And yes, Mr. Head meant even a man as hard as Davy Caradine.
Second, I must broach an issue I never addressed when Michael Hutchins from In XS died, though there was an important lesson to be learned from his passing. This is, after all, a family newspaper, and there were certain sordid elements to the death of Hutchins. However, I think that this second celebrity tragedy warrants a hard, "take-no-prisoners" warning: Kids, if you're going to masturbate, don't restrict the flow of oxygen to your brain. You may think it's cool, and sure, if it works in your favor, it will be the best sexual experience you've ever had. But if it doesn't, you'll be found naked and dead with a cord around your neck in a strange place, leaving a lot of heartbreak behind. And just think of your mother's face when the police come to her door to explain that her only son died practicing onanism. Take it from someone who knows.
Item! A belated congratulations to Brangipitt on the birth of their twins! Twice the fun! How much longer until we get a reality series about how hard it can be for the celebrity couple to raise six kids on their own? Some people out there are whispering some pretty mean things, saying that Brad isn't the father of all six children. Well, you know what? Even if that is true, I say, "So what!" He has enough love in his heart for the whole bunch of them!
That talented twosome aren't the only ones with a new addition to the family. I got myself a puppy! Namely, a Portuguese Water Dog. I've been wanting one for a long time, and when I heard the President got one of these for the White House, well, that was all I needed to hear. I named him Beau (short for Barack).
Item! The votes were cast, tabulated, and announced, and the winner of American Idol this year is none other than Kris Allen. I can't believe it. I mean, I thought that Adam Landbert had it all sewed up, but Kris seemed to pull the win out of his hindparts in the end! Hooray! Really, they were both fantastic singers, so they both won in that sense. But Adam wore too much eyeliner, and that's just a little too racy for today's kids, if you know what I mean.
Speaking of American Idol, when is the next Justin Guarini compact disc coming out? It's been four years since his last one, and my copy of From Justin To Kelly is practically worn out! Hurry it up, music business.
Okay, enough already! If I hear someone say that Borak catchphrase one more time, I'm going to go crazy! Sure, it was funny for a while, and even I got caught up in saying "high five" for a few months, but enough is enough. This calls for a Harvey Cease and Desist. I mean it. No more Borak impersonations! Mmmkay?
Item! The new Terminator movie really is something to wrap your head around, huh? John Connor finally meets his dad, and he's younger than he is? And if he doesn't save him from being killed, he'll never have been born. Whoa. I had to leave the theater for a couple of minutes in order to fully comprehend that. If he were killed, then John Connor would never have been born. But then, that means that if John Connor hadn't been born, they wouldn't have sent a T-800 back in time to kill Sarah Connor. Which means that…oh, wait! I got it. Never mind. I'm really bad with the past conditional tense.
Boy-oh-Boyle (Susan)! Since you last read this column, one woman came along and changed the way I look at the Internet. Sure, I've used it, but I was always suspicious, because it just seemed too good to be true. However, the popularity of Susan Boyle is proof that the Internet is real. A plain-looking woman who sings with the voice of an angel? Well, after watching that clip eight times, I knew the Internet was here to stay, and that I was a fan of it and a fan of Susan Boyle. I can't wait to watch your next viral video, Internet or Susan Boyle.
All this Internet thought got me into Twitter. I don't quite get it yet, but if Ashton Kutcher, Larry King, and Brent Spiner are all into it, then the least I can do is to poke around. I haven't been able to find those guys, but I'm posting some stuff, so stop by and see me. I forgot my password so it will be a little while until I post again
As much as I hate to say it, that's about all the space I have for this installment of "The Outside Scoop." Make sure to stop in next time, when I'll be dishing out the hot dirt on True Twilight star Robert Patterson. Is he really a vampire? The answer might surprise you! Only here, next time, in the dark or in broad daylight, on the Outside!
Jackie Harvey graduated from Viterbo University with a degree in English literature in 1990. After honing his writing and copy-editing skills at The Sunshine Shopper, he became The Onion’s entertainment columnist in 1994, replacing the outgoing Archie “Arch” Danielson. Currently, Harvey writes his regular column, "The Outside Scoop," as well as his blog, "Harveywood!"