LOS ANGELES—Claiming the aging, decrepit eyesores have been long overdue for a refurbishment, Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti reportedly allocated $20 million Thursday for the beautification of the city’s sidewalk residents. “Today, I am proud to announce that I have secured funding to begin making visual improvements of our city’s sidewalk dwellers,” said Garcetti , explaining that, as part of the initiative, public workers would begin cleaning up the neglected denizens, a move that will greatly boost property values and tourism revenue in the community. “For too long, Angelinos have been complaining about the sight of these dilapidated inhabitants, and the time has come to do something about it. It’s no longer enough to just try and hide them under a tarp or use high-pressure hoses to remove them from our streets; we need to make sure they look as pleasing as possible.” At press time, Garcetti had donned a hardhat and was swinging a sledgehammer at a dangerous, ramshackle sidewalk resident.