Lack Of Monkey Sidekick Only Thing Holding Man Back From Achieving Full Potential

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PASCO, WA—Identifying a single impediment to his future success, local man Greg Dempsey told reporters Monday that the only thing holding him back from achieving his full potential was his lack of a monkey sidekick. “There’s a world of opportunities out there that I would be able to take advantage of if only I had a cheeky little monkey by my side,” said Dempsey, explaining that a simian companion would go a long way to addressing everything from issues in his love life to his financial troubles. “Some people were born into monkey sidekicks, but I wasn’t that lucky. I just feel like people would respect me more if a monkey had my back. The monkey and I could also be friends, which is something I’m sorely lacking.” At press time, Dempsey conceded that he was likely too old at this point to realistically attain a monkey sidekick.