ATLANTA—Saying the hackers who accessed city government computers last week clearly did a shitty job, sources confirmed Wednesday that the lame cyberattack on Atlanta had failed to do anything awesome, like turn ATMs, parking meters, or street-sweeping vehicles into relentless killing machines. “When I heard about the attack, I expected street sweepers to go on an unstoppable rampage through the city or ATMs to suddenly explode on busy sidewalks, killing hundreds of pedestrians, but nothing like that has happened at all,” said Atlanta resident Dan Martínez, 33, adding that the sorry-ass hackers had not even managed to turn inkjet printers or washing machines into weapons with which they could execute citizens at will. “All that’s happened so far is that I can’t use the free wifi at the airport or pay my water bill online. Oh, no! Whatever will we do? Who will save us from this deadly menace? It’s just pathetic.” When informed that the hackers had not disrupted a single 911 call and were only asking for about $50,000 in ransom, Martínez wondered aloud what the hell was wrong with cybercriminals these days.

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