LOS ANGELES—Informing the city that the end times were nigh, the Los Angeles Police Department warned Friday that the homeless population was closer than ever to completing a doomsday device that would imperil all of humanity. “The evidence our officers have gathered indicates this city’s homeless people are putting their finishing touches on a machine capable of leveling Greater Los Angeles and burning off all the oxygen in our planet’s atmosphere,” said LAPD Chief Michel Moore, explaining that police first realized the gravity of the sinister plot after receiving a tip from a disheveled and unhoused informant who was muttering about how the end of the world was coming. “From what we have ascertained, these transient individuals, who appear to possess little beyond a few old tarps and some empty cans, have managed to fashion from these objects an advanced thermonuclear weapon. And the word on the street is that it will be detonated very soon. To ensure the continued existence of our species, we will be clearing out every homeless encampment in this city once and for all.” At press time, the department’s SWAT teams were reportedly facing off against the homeless population while armed with little more than body armor, stun grenades, submachine guns, helicopters, and tanks.
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