Illustration for article titled Last-Ditch Climate Change Report Provides Locations Of Weapons, Current Whereabouts Of Oil Executives

NEW YORK—In a desperate, perhaps final attempt to prevent the earth’s temperatures from rising to catastrophic levels, a last-ditch climate change report issued Tuesday by the U.N. includes nothing more than the whereabouts of top oil executives and directions to secret weapons caches. “For decades, we have failed in our efforts to spur action by describing in rigorous scientific detail the ways in which global warming will cause widespread misery for billions of innocent people, and so this time we have taken a different approach,” read the report, a 500-page directory that simply lists the names and addresses of key players in the fossil fuel industry, along with the precise coordinates of several bunkers containing extensive stockpiles of firearms without serial numbers. “We have provided the security codes necessary to bypass the gates of each oil executive’s mansion so that their homes may be entered at night and they may be murdered in their sleep. An appendix is included with instructions on how to bash in a skull with a hammer if the bullets run out. It may not seem like a lot on its own, but if everyone comes together and does their part, we can make a tremendous difference.” At press time, sources confirmed no one had bothered to read the report.


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