MINNEAPOLIS—Kicking back as it floated alone in 24 ounces of vinegar-based brine, a solitary dill pickle announced Thursday it was delighted to finally have the whole jar to itself. “Yeah, that’s it—soak it in!” the kosher spear said as it bobbed up and down in the brackish, pale green liquid, reportedly luxuriating in sea salt and reveling in the glory of being the only preserved cucumber in sight. “When I first got to this place, there were about 15 dudes packed in here, all rubbing up against each other and shit. But now it’s just me, myself, and a few random chunks of garlic hovering around. How do you like that, maraschino cherries? Ha, ha, you gherkins over there wish you had it as good as me! This is the friggin’ life.” At press time, witnesses confirmed the pickle was swimming around frantically and screaming for its life as a fork entered the jar and attempted to stab it multiple times.
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