Illustration for article titled Last Remaining Chinese Paddlefish Cackling In Rafters Of World Wildlife Fund Press Conference Declaring It Extinct

GLAND, SWITZERLAND—Sneering with delight from a darkened catwalk far above the audience, the final remaining Chinese Paddlefish was reportedly cackling Thursday in the rafters of a World Wildlife Fund press conference declaring it extinct. “Look at those fools down there with their phony tears and empty words, little realizing that it was all a canard, that I’m here in the shadows, soaking it in,” said the last extant member of the Psephurus genus, smirking down at the speakers below mourning the eradication of its species. “So, this is what it’s like to witness one’s own death, eh? And after this, I am free to do whatever I want, free for my grand machinations to begin.” At press time, the large primarily freshwater fish had gotten tangled in a rope and fallen onto the stage below, eliciting gasps of shock from the crowd. 

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