HOT SPRINGS, AR—Noting that what little time remained was quickly slipping away, sources confirmed Monday that the last remaining ivory-billed woodpecker was completely squandering the species’ final weeks of existence. “He’s got maybe a month left on the planet, and that dumbass is totally blowing it by standing around doing nothing all day on a goddamn tree branch,” said local birdwatcher Lamar Campbell, adding that the critically endangered woodpecker was frittering away precious time just sitting in its nest preening its feathers. “What the fuck is wrong with this thing? It’s the last one of its kind, and it’s just singing some stupid song like there’s another fucking woodpecker around to even hear it. Real good use of your short time on Earth, idiot.” At press time, the woodpecker had completely wasted the very last seconds of its entire species by hopping around on the ground with a stick in its beak, with most onlookers reportedly not very upset to see the moron go.

Advertisement