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Timeline Of Joe Biden’s First Year In Office

Joe Biden has completed the first year of his presidency, a tenure that has seen its share of controversy and…

OpinionAmerican Voices

M&Ms Characters Redesigned For ‘More Dynamic, Progressive World’

The makers of M&Ms have announced that the candy characters have undergone a makeover that brand executives say…

EntertainmentNews In Brief

Adele Postpones Vegas Residency Rather Than Give Up Seat At Hot Slot Machine

LAS VEGAS—Waving away her manager and Colosseum bookers, renowned pop musician Adele announced the postponement of…

Breaking NewsNews In Brief

Nestlé Announces Consumers Free To Sexualize Raisinets All They Want

VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—Pledging to never stand in the way of the “raw animal magnetism” the candies were world-renowned…

SportsNews In Brief

NFL Expands Super Bowl To Include 2 Additional Teams

NEW YORK—Following up on the momentum generated by expanding both the regular season and the playoff field, the NFL…

EntertainmentNews In Brief

‘People’ Editor Sweating Bullets After Dedicating Next Issue To Alan Alda’s 86th Birthday

LOS ANGELES—Reassuring himself that he only needed to get through the next week without the actor’s demise to…

LocalNews In Brief

Chicago City Workers Clear Ice By Pouring Hot Beef Drippings Onto Roads

CHICAGO—Using the rendered animal fat to limit the impact of winter weather, Chicago city workers reportedly cleared…

EntertainmentNews In Brief

Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Under Pressure To Return Looted Ancient Mesopotamian Stratocaster

CLEVELAND—With critics calling the instrument an essential part of Sumeria’s history of killer riffs and hot licks,…

LocalNews In Photos

Serial Killer’s Taunts Mailed To Dollar Tree Where Old Police Station Used To Be

OpinionAmerican Voices

Ancient ‘Scepters’ Actually Drinking Straws For Communal Boozing, Say Researchers

New research shows that silver and gold tubes unearthed in an ancient tomb in southern Russia in 1897, long thought…

OpinionAmerican Voices

Starbucks Drops Worker Vaccine Mandate After SCOTUS Ruling

Starbucks is no longer requiring its U.S. workers to be vaccinated against Covid-19 or to regularly test for the…

PoliticsInfographic

Nancy Pelosi Introduces Landmark Legislation To Provide Aid For Struggling Personal Stock Portfolio

WASHINGTON—In an effort to revive her lagging capital gains, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi introduced a landmark piece…

LocalSlideshow

What To Say To Someone Who Refuses To Vote

With so much at stake in upcoming elections, it’s more important than ever for Americans to stand up and make their…

LocalNews In Photos

Girlfriend’s Hair Somehow Inside Wallet

LocalNews In Brief

Frustrated Hospital Worker Rounds Up Gurneys Patients Failed To Put in Parking Lot Corrals

COLUMBUS, OH—Grumbling under her breath about the lack of consideration for others, Riverside Methodist Hospital…

LocalNews In Brief

Dad Doesn’t Approve Of Direction Mall Headed In

DANVERS, MA—Confirming his disapproval of the shopping plaza’s trajectory, local dad Mark Sipes reportedly expressed…

OpinionAmerican Voices

U.K. Scientists Unearth 180-Million-Year-Old ‘Sea Dragon’ Fossil

The remains of a 33-foot-long ichthyosaur, a marine reptile that lived 180 million years ago, has been unearthed on…

LocalInfographic

The Onion’s Guide To Wordle

Wordle is the internet’s new sensation. But why are people so obsessed with it? The Onion answers your burning…

Breaking NewsNews In Brief

Sign Reading ‘Take One’ Placed On Bowl Of N95 Masks On White House Stoop

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of distributing personal protective equipment during the latest wave of…

OpinionAmerican Voices

Study Finds Women 32% More Likely To Die After Operation By Male Surgeon

A new study has revealed that women are 15% more likely to suffer a bad outcome and 32% more likely to die when…