Leaked January 6 Texts To White House

“Mr. President, you must go out immediately to address the rioters and tell them to watch Hannity at 9/8 Central.”

“Your xHamster login code is 230189. Don’t share.”

“If they kill Pence, I’m avail for coffee next week! lmk!”

“Dad, my lawyer has advised me to tell you to call off the rioters, so this text is proof that I did that.”

“Mark, can you please ask the capitol guards to let me and my 1,000 friends in?”

“We cool?”

“May the blood of the innocent dye our country’s flag red. Let their screams of torment be our new national anthem.”

“Jan 6 committee do NOT read this.”

“Mark, this is me, beloved television and film actor Alan Alda. Have you seen me in Same Time, Next Year? Nice flick. Not my best, but if you’re looking for something to put on, it’s definitely worth a look. Anyway, know you have a lot going on right now and we haven’t talked before, but I thought I’d drop a suggestion.”

“I could not have picked a worse time to drop acid.”

“Why haven’t Democrats called on the president’s rioters to stand down more forcefully?”

“Are you sure that if I bum-rush the Speaker’s Lobby I won’t be shot and killed?”

A-tuber-duber-stuber-dee-doo!

“I can’t wait to plead the fifth about this.”

“Someone please tell the president he’s jeopardizing any chance of winning in 2024 and hiring me then.”

“Hey Mark, this is Miranda with VoteBlue. Democrats across the country need your help to get Donald Trump OUT of the Oval Office. Can you pitch in to help out? Visit our website to donate now!”

“This is shameful. You call this a bloodthirsty mob?”

“Can you ask my dad to send me $15?”

“If Don gets $15, then I get $15.”

“Good job. Anyway, you ever see a turtle with its shell ripped off?”

“I don’t know why I’m being consulted on this. Please stop texting me.”

“Save BIG when you order 2 or more build-your-own pizzas. Use code YUM! at checkout.”

“Shit seems crazy. Sending good vibes from Tahiti!”

“Reminder to self watch THE KINGDOM- kellyanne rec”

“You guys are doing great. I think we’re really selling this on our end too!”

“All going great! Lmk which office you want me to take a shit in next.”

“Ooops meant that sexy pic for AFTER we win ;)”

“Dad plz reply so I know they didn’t cut your head off PLEASE DAD.”

“I’m stuck in the bathroom stall I don’t know which floor of the building I’m on I think I’m in the Capitol building please come help me please do not tell anyone I have been stuck since yesterday.”

“I cannot be killed. I am invincible!”