WASHINGTON—In an effort to placate the protesters gathered outside, President Donald Trump reportedly screamed, “Let them have Eric!” Monday as he pushed his son through the door of a White House bunker. “Please, you can take Eric, just leave me alone,” said the commander in chief, shoving his third-born son through the bulletproof, double-reinforced door of the White House panic room, repeatedly smashing Eric Trump’s fingers with a large wrench to loosen their grip on the frame. “Tear him apart, do whatever you want with him. I’m sorry, son, but this sacrifice is for the greater good!” After learning that the protesters remained a quarter mile away and were completely separated from the structure by hundreds of Secret Service agents, Trump then threw out Don Jr. as well.
More from The Onion