LYNCHBURG, VA—Expressing fears that the recent scandal could harm the institution’s reputation, members of the Liberty University board told reporters Monday they were concerned investigations into Jerry Falwell Jr.’s corruption risked undermining the college’s core mission of subjugating women and gay people. “When students pay tuition to Liberty University, we want them to be confident that their money is going towards fighting female bodily autonomy and torturing gay children, but these rampant ethical concerns make it hard for them to trust us,” said trustee Vance Weir, acknowledging that stories about the university’s president using college funds to enrich his inner circle could distract from the school’s long-held commitment to propagating the belief that homosexuals should not exist and females are merely sexual objects. “I’m deeply worried about how far we’ve strayed from the school’s original purpose. Jerry Falwell Sr. founded this university in 1971 to help straight, white Christian men continue their dominion over other groups by any means necessary, not to line his own pockets.” Weir added that despite Falwell Jr.’s inappropriate actions, he knew that in his heart, the university’s president was deeply committed to the important work of dehumanizing others.
More from The Onion