Lies All Landlords Use To Try And Raise Your Rent

“At night, when I’m lying in bed, a little voice—a distant whisper—in my head tells me that I should tear your throat out with my teeth and then take all the money from your wallet as you lie bleeding out.”

This doesn’t make any sense. They can essentially accomplish this same thing without ever touching your throat!

“The laundry works now.”

He’s full of shit, and you both know it.

“It’s for the troops.”

Don’t let your fear of sounding like you don’t support our military allow you to just go along with this.

“I’m not raising your rent, but I do need to borrow $400 and will need to borrow $400 from you every month from now on.”

Unfortunately, this is an ironclad defense, and you’ll need to do as your landlord says.

“I have to. The law’s the law.”

And what law would that be?

“I need it to blow at the casino.”

You know damn well it’ll go toward higher utility costs.

“In return, I’ll give you an equal raise at your job.”

Sounds like a fair trade until you remember you’ve never seen your landlord at the office even once.

“The apartment is pregnant—and you’re the father!”

It’s unlikely, especially since you used protection every time and the apartment is on birth control.

“I’m installing a hot tub, which will raise the property value.”

He said that the last time he raised rent. What are you going to do with two hot tubs?

“I would like to make more money off the labor of others instead of putting in labor of my own.”

This one’s too honest. Something’s up.

“The sky is blue.”

Actually, the sky does not have an inherent color and merely appears blue because of the diffusion of sunlight through the atmosphere. If a landlord tries to use this as an excuse to jack up your rent 50 bucks, calmly explain that they’ve made a mistake.

“You need to match the Louvre’s offer.”

There’s no way you have to pay what the Louvre will to convert your apartment to its new Hellenistic art gallery.

“I have access to a large inheritance that I would love to share with you, only I need $500 up front to pay the lawyer to release it.”

Sounds like a good deal. Count us in.

“I have doused the building in gasoline, and if you don’t give me $500 right now, I’ll burn it to the ground.”

Yeah, right. Even if you do give them the $500, they’re still going to burn it all down for insurance money.

“But you like it when I raise rent.”

Hold on, do you? Come to think of it, maybe you do?

“You lost thousands of dollars to me last night in a poker game.”

Don’t just agree without asking yourself if you very recently coughed up $10,000 on a weak pair of threes.

“I can confiscate your toilet.”

Your landlord cannot remove your toilet or put your stove in a cage if you refuse to pay $500 more a month.

“The best album by The Who is Who’s Next. Gimme a hundred bucks.”

Actually, it’s Live At Leeds.

“The city is now taxing the number of hats in a residential building”

Hat-related zoning codes haven’t been in effect since the ’40s, and they’re not going to be reimplemented now.

“Your apartment is the site of General Lee’s surrender to General Grant.”

Maybe people would pay more to live in the exact spot where the Civil War ended, but is your studio apartment in Seattle that place?

“A lot of people want to rent out this unit right now…you don’t know them…they’re supermodels from Canada…”

This one’s just sad.

“You’ve maintained your apartment too well.”

Nothing makes a landlord angrier than when you keep your paint unscuffed, the bathroom clean, and your kitchen in working order.

“You’ll get all the additional rent back on your birthday.”

After four years and four birthdays, you should know by now this never happens.

“I saw a dog on your TV.”

Legally speaking, watching Animal Planet does not justify a $200-per-month pet fee.

“You’re using over 500 gallons of gold per month.”

The cost of gold is negligible and no reason for raising your rent.

“I need the money to bribe the ghost that lives here not to fuck your sleeping body anymore.”

Agatha is actually a welcome distraction from a partner who no longer understands you.

“I want more money.”

Oh, well, that’s understandable. Why didn’t they just say that to begin with?