“I’ve helped clients in worse shape than you.”
They haven’t, and they’re absolutely panicking inside about what the fuck to do with you.
“You’re going to look in the mirror and like the person looking back at you.”
Not unless their burpees also cure lifelong mental illness.
“You can do this.”
Do they not have access to the gym’s attendance data?
“Muscle weighs more than fat.”
They’re thinking of skin. Skin weighs more than fat.
“You could stand to lose 700 pounds or so.”
And put your TLC production deal in jeopardy?
“I know what abs are.”
Most trainers don’t and discreetly google the muscle group while you’re doing crunches.
“If you survive, you’re not working hard enough.”
The unscrupulous trainer always tells their clients that someone should discover their dead body if they’re serious about gains.
“Pasta is bad for you.”
Only true in cases where the person they say this to has a family, a partner, or something else to live for.
“Don’t work out in jeans.”
A complete fabrication that trainers will often say out of jealousy for how good your ass looks in those Levi’s.
“It’s a good deal when you look at what you’re getting for the price.”
Not when you factor in the reality that you’re only going to show up for the first session in a 10-class bundle.
“These Banana Muffin Bites are the perfect workout recovery food.”
He’s clearly just shilling his own snack food company which has bankrupted him and torn apart his entire family.
“Every exercise requires that I gently knead your buttocks.”
Disturbing and untrue. It is 30 to 40% at most.
“I actually trained Jason Momoa for his role in Knife Lord.”
Jason Momoa has never been in a film with the name Knife Lord, and we’re pretty sure that’s not even a real franchise.
“You have an outstanding bill of $900.”
They’re just saying this to motivate you to keep on pushing.
“Your husband will never find out that we are sleeping together.”
You’ve been pounding each other nonstop in the gym steam room. There’s no way someone doesn’t tell him.
“See you next week!”
Most trainers can’t resist the call of the road and are off to wherever their feet take them soon after your session.
“It’s never too late to start your fitness journey.”
The official cut-off is age 56.
“That’s a world record for push-ups.”
The world record is not three with no actual good ones.
“Your credit card was denied”
No, that can’t be right; you just used that card this morning. Ask them to swipe it again.
“If you don’t exercise your triceps enough, they will fall off.”
Triceps only fall off as a result of certain diseases, it has nothing to do with your level of fitness.
“You’ve hit your goal weight!”
And yet, it’s never going to be enough, is it?