Illustration for article titled ‘Light ’Em Up, Boys!’ Shouts Gun-Toting CDC Grunt After Hundreds Of Baby Coronaviruses Burst Out Of Pulsating Nest

NEW YORK—Muttering “mother of God” while shining a flashlight on the tunnel ceiling where the sticky substance he just stepped in seemed to be dripping from, gun-strapped CDC grunt Brock Lyndon reportedly yelled “Light ’em up, boys” Wednesday just as hundreds of baby coronaviruses burst out of their pulsating nest in the bowels of the New York City transit system. “Looks like coronavirus hunting season is officially open, gentlemen,” said the smirking captain of the CDC tactical team, who squeezed the trigger of his M134 minigun and sprayed bullets at the mass of squirming viruses, which sent a wave of Covid-19 spawn scuttling across the walls, floor, and ceiling toward the city above. “Welcome to New York, motherfuckers! Looks like this will be your last stop. Just like squishing roaches, huh, Nitro? Carter, grab the fucking flamethrower! Torch these bastards! Christ, they’re everywhere! Carter? Oh shit, they got Carter!” At press time, Lyndon was overheard telling his team to go on without him before lighting a cigar and marching straight into the center of the swarm to set off the tactical nuke that had failed to detonate remotely.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter